Fresh Perspective

If you listen to all the advice out there on social media, it's easy to believe that it's about overcoming procrastination and things like that. And there's value in that, but that really disguises the bigger challenges, goals, and mindset shifts we have to make. We actually need to talk about this bottom foundational part first. And this part is about you have to decide what you want. It's zooming out and looking at your life from afar and saying, okay, what do I want for this one life I have? You can't find your purpose. You have to decide what you want. And I will repeat this a lot because it's so important, so simple, but for most of us so extremely hard to do. Once you decided what you want, you have to calculate the cost. But there are other costs like identity costs, you have to let go of a certain identity to take on a new identity. That's the bigger cost. Now you have to commit to pay the price in full. Time, energy and attention equals life. And one of the blocks that pop up when people have to decide what they want is, isn't it selfish? Everyone benefits when you do that, everyone. So it's actually you being a gift to the world, giving your life to something meaningful. So I define discipline as self love and love is to do what's important, even when it's hard without it being urgent. Ignore all the stuff out there that tells you to be more productive. Ignore all of it until you've decided what you want and you can pick up a piece of paper or your journal. You can say, this is what I want. I've written it down. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOtjUcodz4o EXTRA RESOURCES My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com Got a specific question? Ask it in the comments and I'll answer. Join me live, Wednesday mornings at 8 a.m. SAST, the personal growth class: https://events.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Join me live, Thursdays at 8:30 a.m. SAST, the Clarity Quest: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4

In this episode I want to share something with you that's been helpful to me personally and to some clients, and it's a way of thinking about going after certain goals or habits that you want to create. If you are over here and you are aiming towards that thing, often we run into this invisible wall. Something stops us, blocks us from actually getting to the goal or the habit that we want to make part of our lives. And if you run into that wall enough times, over and over and over again, this creates an identity. It creates within us a level of self-doubt. The one that I hear most often is, I'm just lazy. I hear it so often and often in first sessions with people. And never once have I found this to be true, that people are actually lazy. But beneath it is this sentence, I should. I should be doing more of this. I should be starting this. I should do better with this. And what I want to show you is if you do that, over time, you will gather evidence. You will gather evidence that this is true, I'm just lazy. Because every time you say I should be doing it and you don't do it, that's another piece of evidence against you. So we will do a major identity shift, an ID shift. Instead of saying I should, we will just replace it with I want. And the one I like the most is I love to. Who says that? No one says that, really. But the shift will make a major difference. So instead of gathering evidence of these labels, you start gathering proof that, hey, look, I did it once last week. If you take nothing else from this episode, please, please, for heaven's sake, stop saying I should. Just rephrase it so you can start gathering proof. That will help you break through the wall that you consistently run into and build your confidence that you can keep going. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLXRnJaOQss EXTRA RESOURCES Free, the Tree of Clarity AI key: https://resources.francoisesterhuizen.com/tree-of-clarity-key/ My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com Got a specific question? Ask it in the comments and I'll answer. Join me live, Wednesday mornings at 8 a.m. SAST, the personal growth class: https://events.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Join me live, Thursdays at 8:30 a.m. SAST, the Clarity Quest: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4

Today's video we'll be doing it a little bit differently because I want to talk about change and I want to be able to draw you some pictures. So the question I want to tackle is what drives us to change or to grow? And there are only really two things. The one is pain and the other one is possibility. If the pain of staying the same is big enough then we can change, we can grow. Or if the vision of the future is strong enough it can pull us towards change and growing. We can stay exactly here because it's comfy. This is the comfort zone. So the comfort zone is you getting on the train where you know exactly someone else is responsible for driving the train. You know exactly where you're going because the train stays on the track. It's not possible because the train can only go where the train tracks have been built and you built the train track, you built the train and now you are on the train. That's often what people experience as a midlife crisis when they feel like things are supposed to be great. My work is fine. My health is fine. My relationships are fine. But I have a yearning for more. You are on the train. So what you can do is you can decide on a new future. But for now I want you to understand, for you to reach the new future, the different future, means you have to build new tracks to take you towards that new future. But that is just setting you up to get stuck on the train again. So what I rather recommend you do is when the train track reaches its end, let's imagine that's where it ends, you've reached the ocean. This is the ocean of potential and possibility. There's no boat coming to pick you up here. You build the boat. And it's way more scary to do this than to stay on the train. But there's adventure here. We often think the fear is about failure. But I think for many, many of us, the bigger fear is the embarrassment. Are you on a train towards your old future? Or are you in a midlife mastery process where you're building a new train track. Or are you on the boat, on the ocean of possibility. And this is the last thing. The future anchor. Building something that you can chuck out into the future that anchors you. And the anchor is the dream, the vision you have. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCrt7K9M-C0 EXTRA RESOURCES Free, the Tree of Clarity AI key: https://resources.francoisesterhuizen.com/tree-of-clarity-key/ My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com Got a specific question? Ask it in the comments and I'll answer. Join me live, Wednesday mornings at 8 a.m. SAST, the personal growth class: https://events.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Join me live, Thursdays at 8:30 a.m. SAST, the Clarity Quest: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4

Why are we so hard on ourselves, and why doesn't it help? And when you stop being hard on yourself, why doesn't that help either? When something isn't working in your life, when you're not making progress on the thing that matters, you ask yourself why. And I think one of four voices talks. Three of them will keep you exactly where you are, and might even make it worse. I would like you to be able to tell them apart. The judge aims internally and it shames you. You're useless. You're lazy. The judge puts labels on you, and labels are heavy to carry with you. The cheerleader aims externally and it blames. It's because of this person, it's because of these circumstances. Even when the blame is valid, it doesn't help. Blaming is not taking responsibility. The comforter is very caring, but it excuses you. It's okay, you did enough, try again tomorrow. Sometimes it shows up through gratitude, which is also a very good hiding place. If you're hard on yourself and you've been told to be kinder to yourself, what usually happens is that you swap the judge for one of the other two. It feels better, but nothing changes. The fourth voice is the coach. When the judge asks why can't you, the coach asks how can you. Try it like this next time. Tomorrow do this. Do, notice, adjust. For nearly all of us, this is the voice that we need to develop. In this episode I also give you a way to check which voice is talking, and something to try over the next few days. The next time you catch yourself asking why am I not further along, stop and listen to who answers. Then ask the coach's two questions. What is the actual reason, and how can I address it? Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuumaYtEeEY The RUT Diagnostic takes three minutes and tells you which groove you are stuck in right now, routine, uncertainty or trance: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/rut/ Join me live, Wednesday mornings at 8 a.m. SAST, the personal growth class: https://events.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Join me live, Thursdays at 8:30 a.m. SAST, the Clarity Quest: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Work with me: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/work-with-me Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4 My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com

In this episode I explore burnout, and I start with two questions. What specific burnout warning signs should we pay attention to? Which red flags should we watch out for? Because you might still be functioning, you're getting things done, and the problems are already present beneath the surface. Here are three of the signs I see working with people. Your exhaustion doesn't change after rest: you sleep eight hours and wake up tired, you take the weekend off and Monday feels the same as Friday. It takes a week to start your holiday: physically you're on the beach, mentally you're still in the office. And you dread getting in trouble: a low, constant feeling that you've missed something, so every message and notification feels extremely urgent. Then I go back a step. Do you judge yourself for being tired? Nothing's wrong with you. What actually needs attention is your boundaries. So the question changes from how do I manage my workload to what am I so afraid of. You're not replying to emails to be useful. You are replying to stop yourself from being found out. Three things you can do, very practical. Turn off all your notifications. Structure your checking: pick your times, let's say nine, one o'clock, five o'clock. And notice what happens in the gap. Don't fix it. Don't act on it. Just notice it. I also answer the objection I get almost every time I share this: but you don't understand my boss. Just for this coming week, try it. Instead of turning yourself into toast by burning out, rather treat your inbox like toast. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_KtI1Ymz-U The RUT Diagnostic takes three minutes and tells you which groove you are stuck in right now, routine, uncertainty or trance: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/rut/ Join me live, Wednesday mornings at 8 a.m. SAST, the personal growth class: https://events.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Join me live, Thursdays at 8:30 a.m. SAST, the Clarity Quest: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/ Work with me: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/work-with-me Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4 My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com

I'm going to give you six reasons we lose momentum. Three of them come from the research, and three of them come from what I see in the work I do with people. Pick the one that's most relevant to you, and use it to get your momentum back. Momentum doesn't work like a ramp, starting small and building. It works more like a smile. High at the start, low in the middle, high again at the end. The middle is the dip. It's the boring part, where you do the same thing over and over long after it stopped being exciting. That's where momentum goes. And instead of crossing the dip, we go back to the start, where the energy is high and free. The three from the research: we misunderstand how momentum works, progress gets so small that it turns invisible, and we want the reward now, while the reward for anything big sits a long way off. The three from my own experience: addiction to novelty, which is a new course, a new podcast, a new idea, anything that feels like progress without crossing the dip. Craving easy problems, the ones you've already solved a hundred times, instead of the one you don't know how to solve yet. And avoiding the mirror, because proper reflection shows you things you would rather not find. In this episode I use one example the whole way through, changing careers. If yours is getting fit, or writing a book, or starting a business, swap it in. It works exactly the same. If I had to point you at one of the six, it's the last one. Look at what you find in the mirror. That's how you get your momentum back. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyqXDJz3xNk The RUT Diagnostic takes three minutes and tells you which groove you are stuck in right now, routine, uncertainty or trance: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/rut/ Work with me: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/work-with-me Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4 My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com

There's a lot about my thirties that I regret, and regret deeply. I could tell you that I've made peace with that, but really I haven't. At the end of 2007 I had been married for about five months, I'd quit full-time ministry and we'd moved to Cape Town. Three major life changes all at once. Not something I would recommend. I had sponsors, so there wasn't money pressure. I had a lot of different options, and that was part of the problem for me. All these different possibilities, and choosing one of them felt dangerous, felt hard. Because if I choose one path, I'm letting go of all the others. So I'd think about pursuing one thing and say no, wait, wait, wait. And then I'd pursue them all at once, all a little bit. What I've done instead, I think, helped me more than just making peace with it. Because sometimes making peace with something in the past means you don't really get what you are supposed to get from it. You're not learning anything, you just accept it. Accept the regret, accept that you've wasted time, accept that you've wasted potential. Regret is inevitable. Regrets are painful. And that pain can either trap us or teach us. It's a very expensive teacher, regret, because you pay in time and you pay in potential. There's no bursary for this. You pay the full tuition fee. We all pay in some way. But you can choose how you want to pay, where you are now. Instead of paying with regret, we pay with effort, we pay with failure, we pay with embarrassment. My big lesson looking back: make a strong choice and execute. In this episode I take you through what I call passing the class. Extract the lesson. Integrate it, allow it to change your world view. And then invest it into your next chapter, so that the school fees you paid in lost time and lost potential now get invested and can compound. If you just make peace with something, that doesn't happen. If there's a time in your life that you regret, whatever it is, this one is for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1WDGperNKU The RUT Diagnostic takes three minutes and tells you which groove you are stuck in right now, routine, uncertainty or trance: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/rut/ Work with me: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/work-with-me Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4 My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com

Nothing is wrong and you still feel stuck. Career fine, bills paid, and still restless. Why do I feel stuck when nothing is wrong? I know what to do and I'm still not doing it. Those two questions tend to arrive together, and they arrive with guilt, because you have a pretty good life and you are supposed to be grateful for it. You are, unfortunately, very normal. In this episode I show you the two engines that move people, pain and possibility, and why a pretty good life switches both of them off. Then the cruise control problem: how you can be moving every single day, losing momentum in the one direction that matters, and never notice it, because there is nothing bad to point at. We look at how gratitude turns into a hiding place. And I give you the RUT, the three grooves that a life on cruise control wears into your weeks: routine, uncertainty and trance. You leave with one sentence to finish and one hour of steering to do this week. The RUT Diagnostic takes three minutes and tells you which of those three grooves runs deepest for you: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/rut/ Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJeRkyYV2tA Work with me: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/work-with-me Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4 My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com

You will get stuck again. Not maybe, guaranteed. The final episode of the Getting Unstuck series is about what to do when it happens, because coming back is the skill: the observer and the giver of meaning, structure as your friend, and the four step comeback.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWQNvOCifPQ
Free: see where and how you are stuck with the RUT Diagnostic: https://clarityquest.francoisesterhuizen.com/rut/
The whole series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYr4VXEPUU5o

Two options in front of you, months at the crossroads, and every person you ask leaves you exactly where you were. In this fourth episode of the Getting Unstuck series: what you are actually collecting when you ask around (confirmation, not information), the two questions that work like a brake you are pressing yourself, the guarantee hiding inside the word right, why the first hard part convinces you that you chose wrong, and the ten-year question that lets you choose today, standing right where you are.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln10DW4kbko
The Ten-Year Question card (free): https://resources.francoisesterhuizen.com/ten-year-question/
All free tools: https://resources.francoisesterhuizen.com/

Part one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdZGSQr9kBE
Part two: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5ihPiQ_QOI
Part three: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKLdHsbgslY

Work with me: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/work-with-me
Fresh Perspective, my weekly newsletter: https://francoisesterhuizen.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=097ed8fb3c6e3c943817d0d80&id=7a7438d8f4
My website: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com